Nothing to Hold Back
by Moonlight's Darkness
Summary: Short standalone that deals with the season finale and Sam running away with Alex...


**_Author's Notes: Okay so something different. No Abby. No Carter. Yes I've gone insane._**

What was I thinking? I don't know why I came here, of all places. Okay the job opening, but besides that, nothing dragged me here. I shouldn't have given in, I knew that I can't be loved. Every time I find someone that I think is good, he has to come along and ruin everything for me. I know I'm destroying my son, I know he's already screwed up as is, but he'll thank me someday. When he's old enough to understand why I"m doing this. Why I'm running away. I need to run away. There's no other way to escape. I would change our names, but he would find us. I thought he was love, something that I could depend on. But he's not. He's a worthless piece of shit. He's a mistake that I've never get rid of. I was young and stupid, but I knew I would love my son.  
  
I see nothing but the road in front of me. My son's sitting in the backseat with his game boy, pretending to ignore me. I can't turn back. I can't let him see me cry. Why am I leaving? I'm doing this for him. I might have met the most perfect man, but he'll be better off without me. Luka's been through so much, he doesn't need me. I'm too young, too stupid. My son deserves better, I've screwed up so much, I need to figure out what's going to happen now. I want to give him the perfect life, but I don't think it's going to be possible. There's nothing ahead of me, and nothing behind me. The radio's broken, the sound of the wind and the tires against the ground is all that's left for me to contemplate. And my son's breathing behind me. He's my life. The rain patters against the car hood, the engine screams out in protest against every mile, and I'm running out of gas.   
  
I don't know where I"m headed or what I've left. I don't want to give up here. I don't. I"ve made it too far to look back now. I don't know what's keeping me moving. My free will, my love for my son, my fears. All of them jumbled into a big pot, and I drank them for breakfast. I don't want to start wishing I was with him now. He was the gentlest, kindest, most understanding man I had ever met. I'll be tempted to turn around and go home. I'm perpetually destined to get sucked into these vortexes. I should have never trusted him, told him, loved him. Steve was a waste of time, a loser that needed someone to depend on. He would never be the type of father that I want for my son. The rain starts pounding against the windshield. I can't see. I shouldn't have gone, but it's my own way out. I slide to the side of the road, turning the car off and waiting for the rain to pass. It's easier.   
  
I glance at Alex in the backseat through the rearview mirror. He looks around, a pissed off look permanently glued to his face. I wish I could tell him why I"m doing this, but he would never understand. I turn the car off, leaving the key in the ignition. I lean against my seat, what am I going to do? I don't know anymore. My parents disowned me. None of my friends will ever help me. I'm alone in the world, with a crazy son. I knew it would end up like this. The rain subsides. I'm safe enough to keep going. These roads are empty, if anything did happen, it would be days before anyone found us. I have to stop thinking about the negative, I've run from it before, and I'll keep doing it. I turn the ignition, the engine putters. I turn it again. It makes a forcing sound. Damn it.  
  
I dare not say a word. Alex can't see me cry. He can't see me break down. I pull my cell out of my bag, pressing the power on top of the phone. It turns on then suddenly turns off. It's dead. Damn it. The story of my life. I saw a diner and motel a few miles back. It's our only option at the moment. I open my door handle and am met with a light mist of rain. Alex's eyes dart to the impending journey. He hates me more than ever. I start walking. He trails on a few feet behind me. He looks around, a sigh of frustration released by him. I have a few hundred dollars in my pocket and one credit card in case of emergencies.   
  
How am I going to do this? God better help me keep moving somehow. I disappear and reappear to any place that will take me. I'm so lost. I'm hopeless. I see the flickering pink lights from the vacancy sign, even from a distance. I wait for Alex to catch up, not saying a word to him. He won't talk to me either, so the feeling's mutual. I don't' want to be here as much as he does. There's no other way. We walk in the silence of the area. The bugs are chirping and flying around us. The road is empty and the sky now clear. It looks like a scene from a horror movie. We're going to walk into the diner and find everyone dead and a man with a chainsaw running around.   
  
We reach the diner finally, and it's empty minus the little old lady working the counter. She's friendly and offers us two menus. I hand Alex one, but he decides to go to the bathroom instead. I order him a cheeseburger, fries, and a coke. I take a black coffee for myself. I don't think I can stomach anything. He comes back and sits in the seat across for me, refusing to make eye contact. I know I'm a bad mother, would you just leave me alone? No need for the guilt trip, I can do that on my own, thanks. He eats his food as I get a room for the night. The woman, Annie, told me she would get someone out to tow the car and fix it tomorrow morning. I thank her as I take the key and go to pull my son toward our room. I'm dead tired, I know he's not. I'm not going to get any sleep. The change is always the worst, then I'll get used to it.   
  
I've never given up. I don't intend to start yet. He walks into the room and plops down on the bed, turning the TV on. I make sure he's okay before I grab the pack of cigarettes I just bought and walk out of the room to smoke. I won't smoke in front of him. I'm not a big smoker anyway. I just need something to take the edge off, to calm my nerves from time to time. The rain starts again, a light drizzle. I hate this all. I wish I hadn't left. It's too late to go back, telling him I was wrong. I can't do that. The cigarette makes its way from my mouth to the ashtray on its own. Three smokes later, I'm satisfied. For the moment at least. I walk back into the room and see Alex is sleeping. I pull him and tuck him under the covers. I turn off the television and dim the lights. I know I'm not going to be able to get any sleep. I don't necessarily need it.  
  
I tuck the key into my back pocket, and shut the door. I journey toward the stack of chairs sitting under the shielded patio. I grab one, setting my lighter and pack on the table. I sit down, and a shiver runs over my body. It's cold and the wind occasionally shifts the direction of the rain. I can let go. No one's around. The tears that have been puddling in my eyes finally manage to fall. I pull my knees up to my chest and rest my hand on them. I should have listened to my parents, to my friends, I should have been smarter or I wouldn't be in this mess in the first place. I wouldn't be a naive single mother who is ruining her son's life.   
  
I don't know how long I've been here. It might be hours. The rain has passed and the clouds have floated away. The full moon shines, giving me enough light to see around me. How did I ever end up here? I start to stand, emptying my ashes and butts into the nearby trash can. I tuck my lighter into my back pocket and take out the key to the room. I throw away the now empty pack of cigarettes. My feet saunter slowly toward the room, I wish I could run away. I would give Alex to some family. A nice normal life is what he needs. I'm old enough to be his sister, not his mother. He's said the same thing himself. I just, I can't do this anymore.  
  
I see a figure leaning against my door, the burnt out bulb not giving me any thing to work with. Is Alex okay? Goddamn it. I shouldn't have left him alone. What if he's a murder? What if he wants something? I can't see anything, it's too damn dark. It's too quiet and creepy. I should never have come this way. I make my way closer, and I begin to make out the shoulders, the height. He came after me. No other man would have wasted his time. I'm a waste of time. Why is he the only one who doesn't see it? I hesitantly make my way toward his open arms. Everything I remember about him seems so overwhelming. His height, his strong arms, his smell. His accent and eyes. Everything that drew me toward him suddenly makes my heart melt. He holds me tightly and I finally feel safe. Maybe I don't need to run away this time.   
  
Maybe I should hang around, I have nothing to loose and everything to gain.


End file.
